The douche of champions.

I'm reading Tales of Ordinary Madness by Charles Bukowski and I just love him.  Very much.  "there was a girl in a blue dress whose ass looked like the bottom of heaven." 

His titles set such a tone.  The title of one of his books made me cry when I first read it: "It Catches My Heart in its Hands." That is beauty in words.

I'm not a fan of change, especially when I have little or nil control over the changes.  Sometimes trying to be positive and flexible can be exhausting and just tedious, especially when it's not your natural reaction.  Life is mostly good.

Stop the changes, Blanche, you slut!

 You get what you get and you don't get upset.

But, sometimes, despite practicing gratitude (fuck off) and looking on the bright side (go suck a dick), it can feel like you're just a little chicken looking up at the sky and the universe is just douching all over you.  And you're too stupid of a little chicken to know to keep your head down for a while.  Holy shit!  The Easter ads with the Cadbury bunny who sounds like a chicken are on and I didn't get to hear him because I was at the gym!  
 

Greg Louganis is by far one of the hottest men ever to dive the planet. 

My adorable dog had an injury to his back knee that we think is pizza-related.  He's a high-energy, rambunctious, balls-to-the-wall guy, but he needs to rest for a few weeks and then we can see if he needs surgery,.  If you're reading this and you pray, and I haven't yet offended the shit out of you, please put in a good word for my dog.  He's 12 and he's so spry.  He's the best friend I've ever had and I love him more than I've ever loved any human being.  Sorry, bitches, this be true.

He's on a $200 human, king-sized featherbed with his favorite Dingo bone and a toy rabbit it took me 1/2 an hour to pick out.  The rat looked way too real.  I believe the photo of the rat is in a past blog.  Why don't you be my #1 fan like Annie Wilkes and look for that rat photo and then nurse me back to health but then hobble me when I realize you're insane?

 I wish the best for everyone.  How hard it is to wish the best for yourself.  Maybe the trick in life is to just curl up sometimes and find some place warm.

 Wait, I don't wish the best for racists and assholes in general.  While I have to say, I don't have it in me to wish ill to any living thing,

This was when he was high on pain medication post x-rays.  He fell asleep with his head in my hand.  It Catches My Heart in its Hands. 

I'll take the good wishes from racists, &C. (this is how Sigmund Freud writes etc. in his book I'm reading and he's really judgmental and snippy looking on the cover, no one you'd want to take on therapy with for sure) and give it double to better people.  But not nuns.  But pray for my dog.  What if there's a nun named Sister Christian?  Terrible song.  No offense, Night Ranger, but it sounds like the ass of a goat.    

Please send positive vibes, prayers, &C. etc. and what have you to my sweet Pup.  He's not really sweet; he doesn't like other people or dogs.  But he really likes me.  A lot.

Come on, hope my dog gets well soon, lest Freud judge the shit out of you.

If you pray for her dog, your penis will get bigger and your mother will worship you. 

Eggs-cuse me!

Good Evening?  I've been trying to tweak my diet and get more protein, get strong.  I boiled some eggs last night.  Now, for those reader (again, readers plural would seem so arrogant) who have never made hard boiled eggs, they stink.

They have a distinctive, sulfuresque aroma.  Let's just say it's not going to ever make it to a candle or air freshener.  I have this bad habit of making food in my gym clothes as soon as I get home.  If I make something with garlic or onions (um, yum though), the next day, at the gym, I'll smell.  The food smell sticks to my clothes and I do not wash the gym clothes every time I work out.


First thing at the gym tonight,, I sat down to lift some weights (20lbs.).




I immediately smelled something like eggs, a sulfur stench.  I smelled my t-shirt and it smelled like laundry and whatever lotion or perfume was lingering.  No egg smell.  Not to be discriminatory, but there were some older people on the treadmills in front of me.  I suspected them.  Whoever smelt it dealt it, the old, classy, American proverb states, but I did not dealt it. Not this time.

This is an actual text from my phone yesterday.  Also, in case you don't know what a tuna war is, it's when one person likes light tuna and the other person likes chunk white tuna. 

At any rate, I went to another machine and I reeked of perfume suddenly.  I had forgotten what Obsession smelled like, so I sprayed some when I was leaving for work this morning and it must've gotten all over my gym bag.  This is a blog of smells, I guess.

If you think I don't need more perfume, you're wrong.

Also, look who's almost done!  Well, she's been done, but the companion one.

From road rage to old age, I am the total package.

People are kind and I'm grateful for my friends and select family.  🙄 While I try to practice gratitude and remain calm in life, sometimes I experience a bad mood.  This week I was in a grouchy mood.  I'll share some tales, and if my memory is foggy, we'll start with why that is. 

Why are her pets so pissy looking?

I've noticed a dramatic and drastic increase in my gray hair.  I'm not a vain person and I do not think looks are everything.  But it would be nice not to look like Granny.  You know what I just remembered?  I wore a fucking cameo to my junior prom with my high-necked, knee-length, long-sleeved black velvet prom dress.  "You've always been the granny."  So, it seems I might have been born an older woman?    

I can't remember if this was this morning or yesterday.  There's a turn signal to go left across railroad tracks on my way to work.  🚂🚃 If I don't make it before a certain train, I'm running later to work than I prefer.  So, the light has an extra sign on it that lights up with a "no left - train" symbol.  🚦 Well, the train went by and the light was green for around ten seconds.  The person in front of me just sat there until the light turned yellow (yellow means go!) and then we had another fucking train come.  Now, to keep this in perspective, it was only the span of about five minutes.  But the stress of this dope not going when we had this brief opportunity really ticked me off.  I heard stress isn't great for your body.  

The stress from this road rage made the sauces of my feet boil a little.  I know that I need to calm my french fry brain when I'm driving.  It's so hard to keep cool.  And I can't get into altercations and tell other drivers: "Hey, blow it out your drinking straw ass!"

I am finished with my lady painting and almost with the companion one.  Finally!  While I was so excited and I loved doing this, it was kind of dragging at the end.  

Now, I'm starting on my boom box, back to the 80s.  I think the book I'm writing is going to take place in the late 70s, early 80s.  

There will be AIDS and Fleetwood Mac galore.

While I think she's absolutely beautiful and talented, and I am not trying to be mean, this is a terrible photo.  She looks like a hillbilly Cher.  I obviously look just ravishing and didn't have to put cover up on a mustache breakout scar at the gym or anything. 

Ba-chomp,  bachooey chomp.

 But I do not look like a Hillbilly Cher.  "I Got You Babe" still makes me tear up a little.  Oh, but Sarah does look like the dark lady from the song "Dark Lady" who I think kills someone at the end.  

 While I try to keep negativity at bay, there is a yin (I thought this was ying; nobody is perfect and I screw things up like this all the time) and yang to life, this balance.  It stands to reason that we need to have a release at times.

 I guess it's just making sure we don't turn into nightmares.  

Well, another weekend begins and I'll recharge so I won't be as nasty next week.  Of course, I'm a woman so hormones naturally play a part in this.  This will be us next week.  I also made a new year's resolution to be a better friend, so I shouldn't be a complaining, anxious, enraged piece of shit.  I also made a resolution to write more and then they put the fucking Golden Girls on Hulu.  It's a great show.  I wish I didn't like TV.  I wish I could get on board with listening to NPR, too.  I am what I am, Popeye style.  I do love spinach, too. 🌿 I lift 20-30 lbs. at the gym, son.  I wrote a poem which oddly mentions spinach lasagna.  It needs work.   Jesus, don't we all.    

Associations

I am not really that close to retirement age.  I horrifically turned 40 last year against my will.  Now, I know this is marketing and they might not really know my age, just like when I get the online advertisements for senior dating sites.  

The free duffle bag is quite alluring.  I like how they think I'm retired but still recognize the weekends.  I like that they don't call it a hospital stay bag or out of town funeral trip bag.  

At any rate, I did turn 40, so I'm aging.  This stuff doesn't help.  Why doesn't Christian Mingle know I'm an atheist by the way?  

Then again, I did get these somewhat old lady-ish curtains at Big Lots recently.  They are the same ones the 'Where's the beef?' lady had in her kitchen. 

In other news, my local grocery is awesome and I got culantro and this German chocolate this weekend.  

In fact, when I was checking out, the people in front of me were buying chicken paws.  That is just what it sounds like and I have to admit, I do not think I'd try them.  Ever.  I just don't wanna eat claws and paws.  

I feel like I even have the grouchiness and mistrust of an old lady this weekend.  It's possible my hip is sore?  There's just so much aging going on and it feels so rapid.  Wasn't I just 16?  Weren't we all?

I suppose being content with one's lot in life includes accepting the ever-darker slide into each new decade of life, 40 being three hues darker than 30.  We can keep busy and alive and stay positive and enjoy.  Now I need a G.D. nap though.  

No I fucking didn't and I've had this for years.  

Movie Stuff

I watched Driving Miss Daisy for the first time the other day.  I have a crush on Dan Aykroyd.  I can summarize the entire movie for you: they're creeping towards death (aren't we all!) with a terrible pit stop at old age where they finally realize they're best friends (perhaps the original frenemies?) who were never honest with each other.  *Spoiler Alert*: One of them will have Mr. Magoo glasses and visits the other one who lives in a home and forgets how to eat pie.

I'm pretty sure this is pie, but I can't see shit in my glasses.  Your robe smells like pee, but I'm not sure if there are visible urine stains.  Again, I can't see in these glasses.  I keep telling you this because since you forgot how to eat pie, I'm not sure if you remember that I have hilarious Magoo glasses but I cannot really see.

 

Speaking of mortality, in You Only Live Twice, 007  🔫 has a fake funeral and they dump his body in the ocean.  A submarine picks him up.  They unwrap him.

 I have a gross thumbnail myself, so you know I'm not sitting in some thumb-ivory tower.  But this guy's thumb is nasty.  Why is he the possibly infected one who removes the breathing apparatus?  👍🏽 Couldn't they have an able-thumbed person do it?

Holy shit!

I swear to Christ I just saw a guy in an aqua soft top Chrysler LeBarron talking on what looked like a giant car phone. This looked like a car phone and not a cell phone. 📞☎️ There's a difference in size between the two mobile devices. I'm also wicked into the Beatles and ELO lately.

These sons of bitches drive like shit. I'm losing my marbles lately on all sorts of roads. 📿 No marbles emoji, so I'll just use what I'm sure is an anal beads emoji. 📿

Who even are you?

I just realized I've been speaking to two different women at the gym for months and I've thought they were the same person because they have the same glasses. 👓 I realized the other day that one has completely different hair (color, length, and curliness).  They both look like very happy people, so that's a good thing.

Who am I even?