Don't kill yourself.

Since this is a hard time of year for some people, myself included, I thought I'd do a sort of public service post.  Many people, including yours truly, feel incredibly lonely this time of year.  It's hard to explain why some people embrace and enjoy holidays and can feel joy and gratitude.  Some of us feel a void, something missing, and this holiday season seems to exacerbate that. 

If you're reading this and feeling like you want to kill yourself, read my poem first just because I want people to read my shit.  But, seriously, this is the information for the suicide prevention hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I did attempt suicide at one low point in my life when I was a troubled teenager.  I am not ashamed of this.  I've gotten to a point now where I enjoy my life and I'm relatively content.  I could not fathom ending my own life as I want to see what happens next and I know that things can and will get better and improve when facing adversity.  

My point is, no matter how much you feel isolated, you're never alone on an earth with billions of people in it.  Some of us care about all people just because we're kind and loving.  Find someone like that to talk to.  Celebrate friends and family and try to look at what you have rather than the voids, and I know the voids can sometimes feel crippling.  

I wrote this poem about suicide after Robin Williams died.  We all have darkness and strife in us; some of us just learn coping skills and learn how to manage it.  

Thanks for reading my poem and also remember not to kill yourself.  We all belong in the world, this big, beautiful, scary, crappy world we've fucked up and scrambled to make right again.  

                      how and why 

 how: it ends. something brought

 you to your knees. you've lived with 

 pain, as we all have. you can't do 

 this anymore - this living. you go then. 

why: can't you see a beat up, old, gray 

 Mercedes shining in the rainy moonlight 

 with an enormous silver canoe roped 

 to the roof - and take simple 

 pleasure in the privilege of 

 a sight - let your imagination 

 go - and recall the mood of a 

really good Stephen King book?

 how: you feel no connection to the 

 cells in your body that toil and 

 exist for you to live. life has 

 been with you - some say since you 

 were birthed - others say very 

 shortly after your parents fucked. 

 you're done fucking people. 

that should never get old or unwelcomed.

why: just thinking makes me feel 

 better sometimes. like how my 

ex-husband told me during a 

 semi-comfortable lunch: according to 

 Neil DeGrasse Tyson, humanity's 

 existence is a mere second before 

 midnight on New Year's Eve in the 

 year that is the universe and 

 all we know or can possibly 

 speculate about. 

how: you're not too scared to cease 

 your breath. it seems you're 

 more afraid of lonely breaths to 

 come. think of your lungs. after you 

 expire, they will expel their reserves

 which have been there for you 

 since after they emptied of your 

 mother's amniotic fluid. this is 

your death rattle. you'll not see a 

 rattlesnake again.; you'll not hear it. 

 you won't hike around Devil's Tower 

 in Wyoming, longing to hear one, 

 but secretly, safely, relieved that you didn't. 

why: it's not all about you. your life

 is not all about you. just you. people 

 love and people care. after, you know 

 people will hurt. hurt so bad and 

 miss you. they'll feel horrible that 

 they couldn't help - then, after 

 accepting they couldn't anyway, 

 a new grief of how shitty you 

 must've felt before you decided 

 not to live anymore. 

how/why: the Beatles. you'll never hear the 

 Beatles again. you won't rediscover 

 an old favorite from Let It Be. you won't 

 purchase a scarf and leather boots. 

 you won't feel a cold winter wind and 

 adjust the scarf, placing it over 

 your nose and mouth, the familiar 

 scent of your closet, of clean 

 storage, mixed with the blue, 

 blustery wind. you wont feel the 

 frigid ground, somehow harder 

 in winter - although that's not 

 physically possible - through boots 

 that feel snug and only a little 

 warm in the cold. you won't feel 

 that grateful feeling for the boots, 

 even if they are only semi-warm. 

you left us all. we loved you.

 you couldn't love yourself enough. 

 remember, it's you. 

 you couldn't love yourself enough. 

 this world and humans who 

 populate it can be horrifically 

 vile and cruel - heartbreak runs rampant 

 on our planet. 

 love. hope. thoughts of beauty. books. 

 our history. our future.

you removed yourself 

 from this equation 

 without solving the problem. 

 you didn't show your work.