Taylor Swift is who Walmart would be if Walmart was a person

This isn't an insult; it's an observation.  All diet Coke and Cover Girl red matte lipstick.  I might be a huge asshole for thinking this; I'm not entirely sure about that. 

As it turns out, I sometimes lose my faith in humanity and might appear, quite magically, as a prick or a general asshole at large.

It's time to say goodbye to another year, 2016, we hardly knew ye.  I am grateful for the people I've had the pleasure and privilege to spend time with this year.  Others I hope to never see again.  This is sounding like a suicide note, except I know the world isn't as cruel as some think, so no goodbye from me.  Not yet.  I mean, I plan on dying, just not soon (please please I hope not) and not by my own hand.  I have sausagey fingers and want my death to be a surprise.

Anyway, suck it everyone.  I like relaxing Saturday mornings.  It's gonna be a great year.  If you're reading this, oh no, love, you're not alone!  

*A plague I call a heartbeat/Such a shame our friendship had to end/I'm so cold inside, maybe, just one more try*


 

Want to touch my unique yarn shaft?

These boots are everything to me right now.  Happy New Year for 2017.  I wish all my reader (making this plural would seem sort of arrogant) peace, love, and health for the upcoming year.  I guess I wish it for non-readers, too.  May you all find your unique yarn shafts.

Boots!

I will wear these boots until my feet are bloody stumps.  I will wear these boots until my feet are shaped like the bound Chinese ladies' feet of days of yore.  I will wear these boots to my grave and when I dance on yours.

Do people really get off on stomping baby birds and animals?  That makes me sick.  Please don't hurt animals.  We might be eating them, but not stomping them for our own pleasure.  Not to get all righteous. These boots will never do that.  Birds are so beautiful.  The Coldplay song ain't bad, either.  Whose bed will these boots be under?  Shania Twain style, bitches.

PEOTUS - Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

My friend sent me this photo of Donald Trump laying in bed, in a robe, with a Dutch Boy hair cut. What's the exact opposite of aroused? Repulsed?

Maybe it will be a good four years. Maybe DT will grab our nation by its pussy and capture our hearts.

'tis the season of The Blood

I spent the weeknights after work making cookies and it was so relaxing.  When I popped into the grocery for some more cookie ingredients last night, someone put this in my cart.  I found it to be funny.  A hilarious friend told me it was a "good read."  Another friend said I should've put it in the tampon aisle.

I kind of thought I'd be a good candidate for a cult, however, I'm willful, so good luck getting me to join.  May The Blood be with you.

And curse Sir Walter Raleigh he was such a stupid git

That's a great song.  I can't believe it's on the White Album.  I'm flossing my teeth and going to bed and it's not even 8PM.  I don't think Pringles are real potatoes.  I will use photos of the Gooch to demonstrate how tired I am.  Nancy Drew gonna kiss a Hardy Boy and I got the vapors.    

Girl...they was Rip Torn

I almost got run off the road.  It's been stressful.  How are you?  I got some pizza.  It's holidays up the wazoo, so I thought I'd share some of my holiday photos.

They keep on playing "December" by Collective Soul.

I'm obsessed with looking at recipes.  I had a delicious cookie today which I am going to replicate.  It had pink salt in it.  So here's the thing: I had this dream that my friend's husband, also my friend, was waving a gun in my face,  It wasn't threateningly; it was as if he were simply gesturing with it.  My friend was not at all bothered.  My main concern was finding a tactful way to tell them I wanted to stay elsewhere.  Good dream though; nice to see them.

I'll tell you another thing: I rediscovered Nancy Drew on Netflix and I've been enjoying it.  Now, this is way before the internet.  I was a toddler when they were filmed in 1977-1978.

Happy holidays.  What will Trump do to the people who went to conferences and gained knowledge and made contacts regarding the environment?  It's our world; I think it's important for at least some people (scientists preferably) represent each nation and meet together and try to resolve this.

Everyone's a son of a bitch, I suppose.

What a god damned bitch.

I had a dream I was trying to schedule an oil change. The woman at the counter misunderstood me. She thought I was trying to get other people's scheduling information. She yelled at me and got huffy, explaining it was private. I tried to tell her I don't give a shit about their appointments. We kept almost coming to an understanding, but then it kept escalating until I got booted out.

I left and (unrelated) these gang members or some sort of guerilla soldiers were standing by my car with machine guns. I paid them no mind, mumbling about the crappy service maybe as I got in my car. Of course they shot at me when I was leaving.

I took this picture on my way to see Stevie Nicks.

December

I don't understand why it's called Thirsty Thursday and I am not Irish.  Do you ever notice at Christmas time or holiday time people start driving like shit-bags?  I also am driving like a complete asshole these days.  I am not knocking anyone for it.  I just don't know why we do it.

Speaking of monsters, I am trying to think of who might be worse: Bill Cosby or O.J. Simpson?  O.J. got bit in the ass by karma, apparently, which I thought was spelled kharma or some weird way.  But Bill Cosby had more victims.  I mean, O.J., you killed someone.  That's a bold move.  And it's a sad thing to do.  I'm glad I haven't assaulted anyone, or, really, harmed anyone physically.  I kicked my sister in the crotch wicked hard when I was nine.  What can I say?  I'm sorry.  I have to live with that regret.

I heard 'December' by Collective Soul today.  I think that song and 'Shine' are complete shit.  No offense, Collective Soul, and it's not like I have any chart-toppers.  I do like 'Jumper' but I'm pretty sure that's Third Eye Blind, possibly.

'A Long December' by Counting Crows is a decent tune and I heard that one today, too.  I know The Decemberists is a band but I have no frigging clue about anything else.  I feel like I'm aging inside a soup can; like I'm some old woman trapped in a Twilight Zone episode.

Another good point: if you were dying, why would you care about current events?  They will have no impact on you.  Speaking of, a chunk of ice the size of India has melted since 1982.  I was six and I was about to turn seven and get two raincoats, go to see Annie at the movies, and lose my first tooth by biting a pickle on a hamburger.

How I Stopped Worrying About Sharting and Learned to Love This Pan

I frigging love this cast iron skillet. It's made by Lodge and I got it at Target for a song.

My calves feel fat. I was thinking the other morning, if a shark ate me, he or she might actually comment on how meaty the calves were. Anyway at least I'd be swimming or out on the water.

Welcome!

Oh Hey,

I've been thinking about doing a blog for a while as I'm long-winded.  Today, I did a little investigation and found out who Blac Chyna was.  First of all, it's not her christened name, the name her parents chose.  It's a stage name.  And secondly, she's a "video vixen" because she stars as a model in hip hop videos.  So at least she does something.  I thought she was one of these famous for no reason people.

I really am not sure if her ass is real.  It it quite large.  I don't know if I can post a photo of her ass here.  So instead, I'll post a photo of the Nicki Minaj perfume my sister and her boyfriend gave me.  I barely know any young musicians anymore.  My sister told me who Adrienne Grande was and she looks 12.  I think Nicki Minaj is really short.  There's someone else who my dad knew and I didn't know.  She's also young and a singer.  Shit.  It wasn't Lordes or Lil Kim.  She had an odd name.  I'm thinking Fluorescent something for some reason.  

Anyway, this was a pretty fucking sweet gift and I love looking at it.  I believe this was back when he did not like me.

Anyway, happy Monday if you're reading this.  Oh, and I love Mondays and I really love Garfield, who hates Mondays.